The Dred Pirate Roberts

"Ah, but Valrec, we are better armed!! Ooooooooooo!"


William had thought he could escape his former life as a great adventurer, letting his sorrows drown in a bottomless pool of ale. However, no man can run from his fate, try though he might. When adventure, glory, and righteousness called, William answered, again taking up the mantel of the Dred Pirate, and leading some new friends on a perilous journey that took them from the Astrial Sea to the depths of Hell, and back again. He became good friends with his new comrades; unfortunately, he grew too attached, to the point where he was lead to do evil deeds to protect them. Now, almost all of them are dead or worse. Oris, though reborn, no longer can live the endless lives of a Deva. Brom, the young boy everyone, even the Pirate himself, had seen so much promise in, was slain before his time, and is now an undead fiend. Excelsior, one of the few who remained behind while the rest of the party fought the shard, died a warrior’s death. Vantrag was horribly wounded by Wil’s side. Only Z and Kat remain unharmed. These losses way heavily on William’s aged mind, and only with his supreme will does he bury his anguish deep inside himself. Now William seeks his old master, a great knight whose guidance may help turn the tide of the war. If Dante’s assistance is not enough, however, William will plunge regardless into the fight for good and freedom, and give the forces of evil such a battle that the foul gods and demons will quake in their domains


I have killed kings
and freed nations,
I have sailed the seas,
strayed beyond the edges of the map,
and lost my sanity in baggage claim,
I have walked in the valley of shadow and death
and was the most badass motherfucker in that valley,
I have glared into the pits of hell
and nearly got the shit beat from me by Asmodius,
I have battled shadows and darkness,
angels and demons,
I have set foot in the halls of the gods
and got thrown out for trespassing,
I have known women and lands beyond Dodric’s wildest imaginings,
I have fought beside good men
in desperate revolt against evil tyranny,
and I have crushed rebellions by my iron fist and boot-heel,
I was to be thrice hanged for piracy,
and thrice got 20 years for neglecting a court summons,
I have known love that would turn Sehanine green with envy,
and loss that would shake proud Kord to his core,
I have seen joy that would give Demogorgon pause,
and sorrow that would set Orcus to weeping,
I am a speaker of tongues no polite mortal man dare utter,
a slayer of dragon and devil kin,
a stalker of shadows (damn where’d they go),
and a guardian of the sacred light,
I am the face of drunkeness,
and the giver of death,
I am he whom the gods sought to destroy in their exasperation,
I am the keeper of knowledge,
master of the blade,
steward of the wild lands,
and captain of industry,
I am edoc-sil, unconquerable,
master of the high seas,
and a brother of the dragon-kin,
I have but two lords, two masters,
my heart,
and also,
my ale.

The Dred Pirate Roberts

NOVA Jockabee